The other day, when I was at work this crazy thing happened to me. I had just clocked in and started to help my first customer at 7-11 when my eyes went to my co-worker, Luis, who was helping these guys at the roller grill. I guess I couldn’t help but notice the one guy because he was staring straight at me. He was short and had a baby face. There was nothing really extraordinary about this guy, but I will admit, my first, stoned reaction was to retreat when I saw such a gorgeous man looking straight at me. He was not giving off any particular “gay” vibe yet the fact that he was staring at me, perhaps, lead me to believe that he was into me. I retreated a couple of more times as we would have these moments of awkwardness staring at each other in the eye, me looking away, then pretending to be carrying on about whatever it was I was doing.
Then, he and his friend were laughing and he said so loudly it was almost impossible for any one not to hear him say, “He has to be gay,” clearly talking about me. I was so livid. I did not know what to do. I felt so awkward. He really didn’t say anything derogatory, yet there was this energy of ridicule and distain all at the same time. There are clearly only a very select, few things he could be referring to and I felt singled out. I am no idiot and I can acknowledge when someone is calling me out no matter how shitty the circumstance.
I now realize my mistake in not having the balls to just say hi to a handsome man when I see one staring straight at me. No matter how much weed I smoke, if weed is going to put me off my game this much maybe I should not be smoking it as much or at all. And even if it were not the weed, and it was just my apparent utter lack of self confidence I fucking need to find that shit right now.
There were all these people around and none of them did anything to stand up for me. Not even my co-worker and friend outside of work, Luis. It’s not like I need anyone to stand up for me. Yet, I still can’t help and ask myself how funny it is to see the same cold face of ambivalence I’m use to seeing in the mirror only this time it’s reflection is that of societies that hold my demise. It’s so easy for people to shut out things they don’t understand and that are not a part of their personal, tangible reality. For all of the love and acceptance I have felt from friends, family, and even society at times, I am extremely put off and disoriented when first meet with this intensity of fear…something that is seemingly only capable of being expressed through hostility and/or oppression.
I didn’t want to make a scene and me being so stoned was the perfect excuse for me to just let it pass. However, ultimately I couldn’t do that. I’ve been doing this thing were I am trying to follow my gut more and speak up for myself and do what I feel is right, natural, and pure.
The comment was still ringing in my head as I stood patiently at my register and helped the next customer in a calm manner. I was hoping and praying I would have him come through my line so I could talk some major shit to him but I guess the universe saw this as an opportunity for me to react in the wrong way. Instead, I was granted the chance to seize this moment, dissect it, figure out what went on, and how to react better in the future. Rather then make a fool of myself talking crap to a loser with no common sense let alone a sense of compassion, I inadvertently held myself back. My stoned mind was too slow to respond in an adult, intelligent way so I naturally shut down. At one point when the guy went back to the roller grill to get napkins or something I asked him if I could help him with his Weiner. Passive aggressive? Yes, but the new, realized me had to say something. I knew something was not right here…my lack of self confidence.
Oh, and also, before he left I gave him a loud, drawn out goodbye. Something else I regret. There were so many things I wanted to say and they all came to me after he left. I wanted to ask him if he was gay too and if he wanted to take me out on a date. The sad part about it was that if he had come to me in a moment of vulnerability and apologized I most likely would have taken him up on the offer. What is wrong with me? Why do I crave someone to fix or figure out, even if they are cruel to me and put me down? Is it my “spider-senses” telling me there is more than meets the eye with these individuals? Or do I want to believe that because it brings to light and nearly solidify what I have hypothesized for so long? Love. We all need and crave love and connections from others.
I have smoked myself silly for the past four to five years I can’t really recognize, to be frank, exactly what words to put to it until now. Well, to be accurate, I have given in to many modern conveniences and took something that was so pure and intelligent that it has almost become a fantasized taboo for me. My theory is all about love. It is a broad idea based on the fact that humans have a need and desire to be loved and share themselves and connect with others. Often times this need within us goes beyond what social boundaries have been placed on what is deemed acceptable for a man and what is acceptable for a woman. I know it comes beyond those labels, but so far this blog is about masculinity versus femininity on a social, psychological, spiritual, and philosophical spectrum.
What motivates me even more with this theory are the ups and downs within the relationships and interactions I have/had with men and, even women at times. This is one of the reasons why I love Rupaul, Michelle Visage, Marc Dylan, Austin Wolf, and Sebastian Kross. Because they push that envelope. Drag queens not only give a strong voice to individuals that once were mocked for being who they are, but also give a voice and serve as an outlet for the sanctity of self-love, self-awareness and acceptance. Porn stars make me feel comfortable with myself because they are exhitionist and almost pay homage to our roots of nature and being comfortable with the human body. They especially make me feel comfortable with myself with the idea of porn stars working as escorts but these are topics for a future post.
These types of individuals propose a thought for people that is ordinarily seen as clique ,or neglected all together yet if you were to be able to fully let your walls down and actually be able to embrace it and all it could have to offer it forces one to realized that the world isn’t just one dimensional. I myself don’t really always put myself out there like that and I don’t like that fact. I guess you could say I feel stifled as a human being because of it.
I also wanted to say, “Tell me sir, what is wrong with my voice and mannerisms? Am I not acting in the proper way? Is there something so offensive about my actions that one human being would fell compelled enough to say something to another human being whom they have never meet, something that is so ignorant and so irrelevant at the same time? Yes! I am gay! So what if I am obviously gay? Even if this were the case, why does it matter to you?”
Is there something wrong with being gay? How did he know I was gay? Is it my voice? My mannerisms? I’m already insecure about those sorts of things enough as it is. These are the sorts of questions that have gone through my head numerous times in the past. All of the silence I had maintained came to a forefront and blood rushed to my face. Blood of shame and embarrassment from years of not having the knowledge or wherewithal to know how to stand up for myself rushed to my face.
What sort of show or spectacle was I putting on for this guy for him to be so taken aback so much that he found himself asking, “Why is this guy behaving or talking like that? Oh, he must be gay?” So, of course, upon realizing this he had to blurt it out loud and bring it to everyone else’s attention. It’s not like someone else wouldn’t have asked themselves the same question and said the same thing had he not beat them to the punch. I just don’t get it. You are either ignorant and totally do not get it (in which case, is there any hope for people like that in the real world where common sense and decency matter), or you are just being a hatful asshole. I really reckoned he was gay and in the closet.
One of the customers I was helping as the asshole was making an idiot out of himself while in line was a regular. A is a young, balding, and beer-gutted man that is handsome in his own way. I had crushed on him ever since I first started working here. I had always felt so challenged when interacting with this guy because he was always so sweet and kind to me. I am now realizing that he wasn’t necessarily ever really sweet or kind to me but he was actually just polite and decent to me. I, of course, being the recluse-spastic-stoner that I am don’t always know how to take these simple, mature acts of kindness and compassion for what they are. Now, having this asshole in my face that I had also been so ready to fantasize over….I am at a pause. I can see how I have been perpetuating a fucked up view of men, relationships, and how to develop and maintain them. I knew nothing of this guy. Just how he looked.
How did I get here? How did I get so insecure and stupid? I suppose I have been better about it lately, but I find myself having these moments with men I met on a regular. Like the hot dog guy.
I don’t even know him and I was already fantasizing about sleeping with him and having a life with him. This is something I almost always do. Its even got to the point where every now and then I will even do it with men I don’t even necessarily find sexually appealing. I just imagine what being their partner would be like. I think this steams from an old adage people kept telling me throughout the thirsty, smothering years of my life when I would latch onto any man within a five foot radius of me only to come up with nothing more then my last bits of shredded hopes for love and calming peacefulness: There is a person out there for everyone. Or, the less kind, more quick-tongued version “If they have a girlfriend/boyfriend you can have one too,” friends would say to me as an obese couple would walk by. I just naturally feel compelled to put myself in others shoes. Considering a group of diverse individual’’s perspective has become a habit of mine. Every one needs love or some sort of human contact or connection. You see and hear people talking about all the time is some sort of facet or another. No matter how dysfunctional, codependent, morbid, or sadistic the form of connection we all as human beings create and foster said relationships.
Oh, and then there’s that other adage about couples not necessarily being happy within the relationships they have.
So many adages that ring true yet have too much weight in our minds nowadays. Who the fuck am I trying to impress by getting the guy, the mansion, and the day when I can rub it in all their faces?
Oh, my! Where did that come from? Who is this typing all of these things? Maybe that is the beast within myself that I need to tame speaking. The man I want to be is not the type of person that would ever strive for anything for the means of rubbing it in anyones face. And I have done enough acid and seen enough documentaries on Buddhism with SEU kids to know that there ain’t no hope for anyone’s soul if they are coming from a place of wanting to gain in order to put others down. I can’t believe I have become this person.
One thing Josh, an old roommate of mine, told me was that becoming aware of your obstacles/struggles/insecurities/weaknesses is the first step towards getting over them. He was like a God-shaman-guru to me and I drove the deepest wedge between us that I am still suffering for till this day. I was in madly in love with this man. Isn’t it time to let this go already? I hear Rupaul’s voice in my head when I let the curtain down like this and truly expose the those inner parts of myself. Who am I? Who the fuck am I really?
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