Yes, I am Gay!

Yesterday, when I was at work this crazy thing happened to me. I had just clocked in and started to help my first customer at 7-11 when my eyes went to my co-worker, Luis, who was helping these guys at the roller grill. I guess I couldn’t help but notice the one guy because he was staring straight at me. He was short and had a baby face. There was nothing really extraordinary about this guy, but I will admit, my first, stoned reaction was to retreat when I saw such a gorgeous man looking straight at me. He was not giving off any particular “gay” vibe yet, the fact that he was staring at me, perhaps, lead me to believe that he was into me. I retreated a couple of more times as we would have these moments of awkwardness staring at each other in the eye, me looking away, then pretending to be carrying on about whatever it was I was doing.

Then, he and his friend were laughing and he said so loudly it was almost impossible for any one not to hear him, “He has to be gay.” Clearly talking about me. I was so livid. I did not know what to do. I felt so awkward. He really didn’t say anything derogatory, yet there was this energy of ridicule and distain all at the same time. There are clearly only a very select, few things he could be referring to. I am no idiot, but I now realize my mistake in not having the balls to just say hi to a handsome man when I see one staring straight at me. No matter how much weed I smoke if weed is going to put me off my game this much maybe I should not be smoking it as much or at all. And even if it were not the weed, and it was my apparent utter lack of confidence, I fucking need to find that shit now.

There were all these people around and none of them did anything to stand up for me. Not even my co-worker and friend outside of work, Luis. It’s not like I need anyone to stand up for me. But I still can’t help but ask where this social acceptance of outright discrimination against a homosexual man came from. I know it’s always been there, yet to have it still so prevalent in how we react towards one another (no matter how different) is saddening. For all of the love and acceptance I have felt from friends, family, and even society at times, I am extremely put off and disoriented when first meet with this intensity of fear that they have no other way of showing but through hostility and/or oppresion.

Not that there was ever a huge crowd that would surround me and stand behind me in support whenever I imagined this sort of thing happening, but maybe this is the problem. Even as a gay man, I have shut out the idea of being lifted and supported from strangers in a time of need. It has happened and I know I need to remind myself of this more and appreciate it when it’s there! Yet, sadly I do not expect it. I didn’t want to make a scene and me being so stoned was the perfect excuse for me to just let it pass. However, ultimately I couldn’t do that. I’ve been doing this thing were I am trying to follow my gut more and speak up for myself and do what I feel is right, natural, and pure.

The comment was still in my head as I stood patiently at my register and helped the next customer in a calm manner. I was hoping and praying I would have him come through my line so I could talk some major shit to him, but I guess the universe saw this as an opportunity for me to react in the wrong way. Instead, to my chagrin, I was granted the chance to seize this moment, dissect it, figure out what went on, and how to behave/react better in the future. Rather then make a fool of myself talking crap to a loser with no common sense let alone a sense of compassion, I inadvertently held myself back. My stoned mind was too slow to respond in an adult, intelligent way so I naturally shut down. At one point when the guy went back to the roller grill to get napkins or something I asked him if I could help him with his weiner. Passive aggressive, yes. But the new, realized me had to say something. I knew something was not right here, but what was it?

Oh, and also, before he left I gave him a loud, drawn out goodbye. Something else I regret. There were so many things I wanted to say and they all came to me after he left. I wanted to ask him if he was gay too and if he wanted to take me out on a date. The sad part about it was that if he had come to me in a moment of vulnerability and apologized I most likely would take him up on the offer. What is wrong with me? Why do I crave someone to fix or figure out, even if they are cruel to me and put me down? Is it my “spider-senses” telling me there is more then meets the eye with these individuals? Or do I want to believe that because it would almost bring to light and nearly solidify what I have hypothesized for so long. Well, to be accurate, I gave in to many modern conveniences and took something that was so pure and intelligent that it became a fantasized taboo for me. My theory was all about love. It was a broad idea based on the fact that humans have a need and desire to be loved and share themselves beyond what social boundaries we have placed over what is acceptable for a man and what is acceptable for a woman. This is why I love Rupaul, Michelle, Visage, and drag queen culture all together. Because they push that envelope. They propose a thought for people that is ordinarily neglected, in my opinion, and it sort of forces them to realized that the world isn’t just one dimensional. I myself, as a gay man, don’t really put myself out there like that. I don’t like it. I guess you could say I feel stiffled as a human being because of it.

Is there something wrong with being gay? How did he know I was gay. Is it my voice? My mannerisms? I’m already insecure about those sorts of things enough as it is.

I wanted to say. “Tell me sir, what is wrong with my voice and mannerisms? Am I not acting in the proper way? Is there something so offensive about my actions that one human being would say something to another human being they have never meet that is so ignorant and so irrelevant at the same time? So what if I am obviously gay? Why does it matter to you?”

What sort of show or spectacle was I putting on for this guy for him to be so taken aback so much that he had to sit there and ask himself, “Why is this guy behaving or talking like that? Oh, he must be gay?” So, of course, upon realizing this he had to blurt it out loud and bring it to everyone else’s attention. It’s not like someone else wouldn’t have asked themselves the same question had he not beat them to the punch. I just don’t get it. You are either ignorant and totally do not get it (in which case, is there any hope for people like that in the real world where common sense and decency matter?) or you are just being a hatful asshole. I really reckoned he was gay and in the closet.